09.05.04 :: Just a bit of poison

I decided against going to the club mainly because I was unsure as to what sort of company I would have. Everyone I (sort of) knew seemed to have decided to not go tonight. I tried explaining this to one of my friends and he didn't seem to understand why this would deter me. "Why do you need us there?", he asked. Have I really pushed this whole "I am an island" bullshit so far that others think I don't crave company? Can't I just want to hang out? Why do I feel like I have to explain myself when I need a little support/companionship? And why the fuck is it that if I meet someone as an individual as opposed to a group/clique I never get introduced to anyone else?

I feel isolated. Sure, doing things alone is great, but having to do everything alone is NOT. Goddamnit, I'm tired of being that one chick that's always by herself at the movies, concerts and so on. One does not meet people by being alone. No one wants to approach the lone girl unless it's some raunchy guy looking to get a number, and that guy doesn't exactly want to introduce his "find" to his clique for fear that someone might steal his play or something. Or maybe it's just me, I don't know.

I'm just so tired. I want to meet people, but I'm also terrified of disappointing or being disappointed. I want some sort of stability in my life, I want options, I want to have something to do on the weekends and someone to talk to other than my goddamned coworkers and mother. I feel pathetic.